Telling time

Told the children tonight in an informal positive way...Garret plucking pheasants (no, really) and me ironing. Rosie jumped the gun of my rehearsed speech with the vital word and nearly knocked me off the rails....Luckily Garret stepped in and gave a shove in the right direction.... Toby looked the worst, a bit angry whereas the girls accept everything at face value. Typical reactions really...Freya "Can you catch it" Toby "If all these women raise so much money why can't you have your operation sooner....." Fair enough really! Probably "Love Actually" wasn't the best movie to watch as a family tonight...but we weathered it! And we all love Bill Nighy.

s'official

Consultant call last night so now we tumble headlong into upsetting everyone else's Christmas as well as mine! the words get easier the more you say it so maybe I will be ready by the time I tell the children. this has been put off cos Toby has a big test Thursday and then there is the Snow Ball Thursday night so we are heading for Friday. Told Mum, Liz. Nigel just Alison to go. Lizzie knows and Howard and Myrna so no more until the most important people have taken it in. MRA Monday etc etc etc. Wish I could switch my brain off......Garret takes it in his stride...or seems to. I will be okay.

D day or should that be C day?

Today was the day... Ushered in to see the surgeon whose name escapes me now but I am sure I will get to know pretty well. Quick feel around and the warning bells clamour as she sends me off for mammogram, ultrasound and a warning of s biopsy. No need to describe a mammogram to those who have had one but for anyone who hasn't imagine a vice and you are nearly there. Next to the US suite in slightly less joyous circumstances than my last one... No wait I have an internal one for gynae when I had to smother inappropriate giggles at being told I have a nice clean vagina. Well, what can a girl say to that?! This time the Dr breezed in with the news that my mammogram was fine but she would do the scan anyway. The momentary lifting of gloom was just that as after homing in on the lump she shifted to my underarm region. Upshot was a biopsy and discussions of future plans. Results next Tuesday, then MRI scan the following Monday because the mammogram didn't show a lump ( young breasts!! I was thrilled!). Surgery maybe on 30th so Happy New Year!! Out of the hospital by 11:30 and off back to the Christer world, thank goodness for self employed husbands who can stand by, ask the questions I was too numb to ask and be supportive. If I promise not to die he will do all he can but if I am gonna die then he might as well save his money! I wouldn't expect or want anything else....

feeling down

How do people manage to wait for weeks to get scans/appointments. Feeling a bit down, the waiting is so hard, the thoughts are so grim even when you try to stay positive. The blackest thoughts are of the very worse. Pure jealousy at future events I cannot even write down. Every night there is a moment that comes, that I cannot resist , cannot sleep without a furtive feel to check it is still there...and it is. there is soreness which i am taking as a good sign...a cyst or infection etc. Please......

Shutting the stable door after the horse has already popped down to the Drs.....

Scan date... 10th December so a bit longer than I hoped but hey ho. Garret and I rather belatedly took out some life insurance for which unsurprisingly I was turned down " for the time being" but I will be hunky dory if Garret pops his clogs unexpectedly. Do I ache only right side or is it imaginary?!

day two

a problem shared just means someone else worries too....

Day one....

After some deliberation and procrastination the wait in the Doctors was strange. A sort of cocooned  waiting limbo land with local familiar faces all insisting they were very well thank you despite the evidence to the opposite. One unknown patient came in having got a nail in the top of his head.....makes you think. The day is lovely, all blue skies and winter chill. The lump in my right breast has got larger and seems to have emerged from the initial "normal" lumpiness noted a year ago on a scan for another lump which went before it would be scanned. The Drs visit was short and...well, not exactly sweet but short anyway!. A quick check and confirmation that yes... that is a lump indeed, pass over to a medical student who gravely also pronounced that I was indeed correct and there was a lump...so phew!! I would so hate to be wrong. Ah well, now the wait for a scan. Feel a bit breathless and a bit sick but at least I will have plenty of reading time whilst I wait in yet another hospital corridor...bright side eh?!